Everybody suffers from a degree of jealousy in their relationship; jealousy of financial sucess, jealousy of popularity, jealousy of looks and style, jealousy of intelligence and jealousy of sexual attention. In this sense it is like any other relationship you have, you will have friends and family members who you feel are more successful in some way than yourself, and regardless of how much you love them, there will be a little guilty twinge of jealousy.

The problem is when it comes to your choice of lover, the jealousy that can start as a niggling little twinge you push aside can be become a toxic termite eating away at your self esteem, and once your self esteem drops you lose faith in your relationship and stop trusting your partner.

So how do you avoid jealousy?

The most common jealousy in a sexual relationship is the attention your partner receives from others, whether it’s passing nods of approval from lustful onlookers, or more full on attempts at seduction from predators, it can be hard to swallow.

If your partner has a more colourful sexual past than you, then you can start to worry that you are not living up to their expectations… why wouldn’t they run off with that incredibly good looking girl or guy from their office, or that bartender who always gives them a free drink, or even that onlooker in the corner who smiles at them every time they walk past…

Who is that person on their Facebook who keeps leaving flirty little ;o)’s after their comments? Are they sending them private emails too? Have they slept together?

You can truly start to spiral if you let yourself. Most of the problems of jealousy come from your own insecurity, if you truly believed you were “worthy” of your partner and were keeping them satisfied then you wouldn’t feel threatened. Their ex could come right up to them and offer their bodies up with no strings attached and you could feel certain they would turn it down.

The best thing to do in this case is think about yourself…

There’s no doubt somebody very good looking in your office too… whilst you might have an admiring glance now and again and possibly a harmless little flirt over the water cooler, would you ever do anything if the chance arose? If the answer is yes then you probably shouldn’t be in the relationship anyway so why worry, but if no then why should your partner? You’d probably be furious if you saw them casting an admiring glance over the office totty, but you do it all the time whilst knowing it’s innocent.

Even if it’s not the bartender, there will be someone in your life who goes out of their way to do something nice for you? Perhaps someone who always holds the door for you, stops the lift until you get there, makes the bus driver wait, lets you cut in front of them… the smallest thing can mean admiration and you might not even realise it. If you do realise it then you’re probably very flattered and enjoy the attention. No doubt your partner is flattered and enjoys the attention too, but just as you’re not about to run off neither are they.

Attention from onlookers can be a big boost to the self esteem, and as previously mentioned, self esteem issues are the root cause of most jealousy problems, so if you feel better about yourself whilt remaining entirely faithful, surely this is only a good thing?

If you want to know who someone on their Facebook is then ask them, just as you would ask for someone of the same gender you didn’t know who they were chatting too. If you feel shifty then ask who a couple of people are and include the one you’re suspicious of in the mix. You’ll probably find their reaction is an innocent “Old friend from school I’ve not seen in a few years, he’s just got engaged isn’t that nice?” or “My mate’s girlfriend, we’re thinking of arranging a surprise birthday party for him” Of course, if the reaction is more “Why are you asking, what’s your problem?” then you might have reason to worry. Openess and honesty is the important thing, if you lover responds in a way that implies there’s nothing to hide or worry about then there probably is nothing to hide or worry about!

Ultimately jealousy is a bad thing. You need to quash it. Not to the point where you stop caring if someone starts feeling them up, but enough to trust them when they go out alone with their mates.

That said… trusting them and easing up on the jealousy is only a good idea if you’re in a trusting and loving relationship… if you’re feeling incredibly suspicious that something is going on then you may need to do some better investigating.

Is it because you’re feeling insecure and need to work on your own issues, or are they truly screwing around on you?

If you feel incredibly suspicious of them then you may find it’s not the relationship for you, regardless of if they’re cheating. If they do nothing to boost your self esteem, don’t ever make you feel good and secure in your relationship, then regardless of if they actually are cheating, then you have a problem. You need someone who makes your feel safe and happy.

You may have always felt safe and secure before, but recently you’ve had a niggling doubt. Maybe they’re staying late at the office suddenly, or taking their phone out of the room to answer it? Possibly jumping in the shower as soon as they get home without stopping to say hello to you properly? Maybe hiding credit card statements or closing their computer screen when you walk in the room? All of these things could be entirely innocent but understandably would cause suspicions… especially if it’s new behaviour.

If it’s ongoing old behaviour then perhaps you should start noticing it now.

My best advice based on personal experience is to ask. Don’t ask in an accusatory tone that would warrant a backlash, but purely mention it casually. If they react by getting aggressive or as though you have been very accusing then it may be worth worrying about. If they answer in an equally casual tone, or perhaps haven’t realised the change in behaviour then it’s less likely you need to worry.

I don’t want to guarantee that any of these responses means guilt or innocence, and still maintain that if you’re really really suspicious and feeling insecure and horrible about your relationship, then it is not the relationship for you. Find someone who makes you feel happy and secure and you should find these jealousy problems disappear.

However, there is the occasional few who have major jealousy issues that have nothing to do with their partners behaviour. I will only give a brief section to these people as they can make their entirely innocent partners feel horrible. If you know you’re innocent, but your partner is constantly accusing you, if you have tried constantly to make them feel good and never do anything that could be seen as suspicious, but get accused of wrong doings simply by chatting to the person who sold you a pint of milk in the supermarket, or are being stopped from going out alone, then the problem is your partner. Get out, because that’s their own issues and it’s very doubtful that you can change them or ever make them happy.